Light of Jesus
Living a very busy life has left me with fewer times spent in prayer – a personal quiet moment with the Lord. I pray, but for the most part, I do the talking. I never really allow Him to speak to me. More often, I end my prayer in a hurry because I’m too sleepy, or worse, I don't get to finish it.
But I believe that in my inadequacies, God has been devising plans to bring me closer to Him. A couple of days ago, August 14th, I had the chance to be a part of the Light of Jesus Encounter. We, the attendees were to be baptized by the Holy Spirit as the start of our spiritual journey with the LOJ community.
During the baptism, I had the opportunity to come face to face with Jesus. I actually had mixed feelings … feelings I couldn’t explain. I was excited, happy, nervous and a bit sad all at once. As the lights in the hall were turned off and the music started playing, I closed my eyes, expecting the unexpected. Then my tears started flowing non-stop. It was like a well that never dried up. With my eyes still closed, I could see the smiling face of Jesus. I kept crying because I was ashamed. I couldn’t face him because of my sinfulness; I have hurt Him millions of times. I have constantly disappointed Him every time I keep feelings of bitterness and hatred, every time I judge other people, every time I envy other people’s success, every time I become impatient, selfish and full of pride. I hurt Him every time I think lowly of myself.
For a while, it was hard for me to reach out my hand to God.
When I finally had the courage to do so, I journeyed with him back into my past. I could clearly see before me the events that molded me to who I am now. I have rediscovered and re-experienced the source of my pains, the foundation of my faith and the reason of my existence. I saw the happy moments I shared with my family. I saw the Sunday lunch that we used to enjoy, the hours of watching movies together, I could vividly hear the laughter. And I just had to ask the Lord the things I’ve kept hidden for the longest time.
“Why is my family not whole anymore?”
“Why did we have to suffer that way?”
“Why aren’t we rich, just like the other families I know?”
I had to ask God, so I would know the purpose of the pain I’ve gone through. I cried harder than ever, and I had nothing to do but to cling unto Him, embrace Him so tight in the midst of sobbing. I didn’t hear His answer. Maybe, in His own perfect time, I would come to realize the blessing behind that painful chapter of my life.
In the chaos of everyday life, I try to forget the fact that I’m hurting because of my parents’ separation. For five years, I tried not to entertain the idea of not having a “home” where all of us can go to. I’ve just silently cried every time I think about how my family hasn’t been whole.
At that moment, I just opened up everything to God. And I realized that the deepest desire of my heart is not to be famous and rich, not to have a perfect boyfriend – the deepest desire of my heart is to have my family whole again. I don’t know if this will be realized, I just believe that God will outdo all my expectations.
I then asked the Lord for forgiveness and promised him that I’ll forgive those who have hurt me and those I thought have hurt me. I’m starting again in a clean slate. And I made a vow - that I will serve Him more. I may lack the resources, I may not be stable yet, but I want to dedicate my life to Him. I will give my all because He deserves my all. And this is my written promise.
Surely you know that the wicked will not possess God’s Kingdom…Some of you were like that. But you have been purified from your sin. You have been dedicated to God; you have been put right with God by the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of God.
1 Corinthians 6:9-11
Ideally having a family under one roof gives us the feeling of closeness and unity as one family. But distance doesn't prevent a family from becoming whole. We can still work at having whole family by keeing in touch with each other. Maintaining the closeness will keep the family whole. Perhaps if we keep on doing this, Our family members will realize the real value of a family, and recinciliation will soon take place, in God's time. But you have to take the first steps first. The Holy Spirit will guide you to the rest of the quest.
ReplyDeleteMy 7 years stay in the States alone did not lead me away from my family. While I enjoyed my independence away from the family for quite some time, I kept in touch with the family, and we would always see to it that we meet once a year. While the rest of the family didn't think this way at first because of financial constraints, they finally realized that family was more important than anything else, so they exerted efforts and God blessed them, and that's why we were able to keep in touch. The bonding is still there when we meet.
Yes, you are absolutely right! I’m starting to realize that now; through the people I meet, the stories I hear and my very own realizations. I had an ideal image of a family, what I constantly forget is the fact that I’m still blessed. My family was whole and happy in my growing years and I always have that memory to draw strength from. And I have this whole lifetime to show each and every member of my family how much I love them. Thanks for sharing your insights Kuya Jason! It’s another manifestation that distance is nothing for people who strive to keep the family closer and even more loving.
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