Be Still

Deep within, I was in a state of panic. Should I stay? Should I run for my life? People would say to trust your instincts. But even that - my own gut - I couldn't trust anymore. My arrogance got the best of me and I declared, "this, stomping my foot like a child having a tantrum, is not going to be my salvation". So, I decided to make a move. A decision that kept me even more glued on the same ground. The wind was harsh, blinding and discouraging. I was in the middle of a crossroad, all paths veiled in mist, in darkness - therefore, even more uncertain.

Isn't it that from time to time, life cooks up a super typhoon to shake up our otherwise boring existence?  Well, I feel like I've been flooded more than waist-high already, I am almost drowning. The last few weeks seem to look and feel like that exactly - getting stranded in the midst of a violent wrath of nature. Would you blame me if I get restless? If I seek safety from which ever way? 

"There is nothing worse than unrequited love" says one The Corrs song. But you know what, there other worse things in the world, one of which is the inability to go after something (a dream, maybe) you so earnestly want just because.

... because life is unfair (?)

... because however we plan things out, there are so many things in life that our totally out of our control. 

... because patience is a virtue, and something as beautiful as your dream is worth so much more than a wishful thinking.

... because you're not yet ready to receive your gift.

Really, I can think of a thousand other reasons, a hundred more excuses. But if there is one thing that life is teaching me lately, it is to be more trusting. God is definitely telling me to trust in His ways.

To trust that what I can't control and can't make possible by my human ways, God can accomplish for me in a heartbeat - in His own perfect moment. 

To be perfectly honest, the past few weeks have been a whirlwind of poor attempts to change my life (for the better) in an instant... being so overly confident that my plans, my timeline will pan out (yes, arrogance to the highest degree). And I'd get frustrated every single time things do not go my way. It is extremely exhausting, stressful. It killed my motivation to work hard, to work well, because "hey! I'm gonna be somewhere else before the month ends." Silly, I know. So immature.

I have prayed, "Lord, I want this and that. Lord, lead me out of this horrendous Manila traffic." I have asked a lot in prayer, asking for the things that I want without ever taking a pause so I can hear what He wants for me.

A friend of mine was once asked, "How do you pray? How do you specifically ask something from God?" And he said, "Personally, I no longer ask. I believe that God knows what I truly deserve. So, I just thank Him." In my restlessness, I failed big time  at  being grateful for what I have. 

I am still in the middle of a storm.

Yes, my feet are still glued on the same ground. I have crazily searched for an escape, whined like a brat, kept my fingers crossed... I have done all sort of things except to calm my restless heart. At this specific point in my life, I understand better how it is to "be still". Slowly, I am starting to get back that motivation I once lost. I am beginning to enjoy again what each day brings - may it be a challenge or two, a moment to cherish, a big or small victory, an opportunity to learn something new at work, time to play and be silly with friends - all these things that I neglected to appreciate because I was so far off the present. 

Life will never run out of disasters. But life is also beautiful if only we'd take a moment to breathe everything in. 

Being still is chasing after your dreams without being bothered by useless worries, trusting in God's promises of abundance, and living each day, always and always, with a grateful heart.

 

 /photo by: jeong seung hwa/