Six Years Ago, Today

I love finding old writings of mine because it allows me to have a glimpse of what was going in my head when I was younger; and it permits me to see my life in a bigger picture - how things have changed in the past years and how my decisions from way back affect every little thing I've done so far. I am grateful because, truly, I've been put in a better place, and this reminiscing leaves me with no regrets of the things I chose to let go and the things I decided to embrace.

Three years ago, I found my comfort zone and I stayed there, never knowing when to leave… when to step up. I found out that I had this gift in teaching, in dealing with various people and in communicating beyond the use of words, in understanding signs and gestures everytime my students couldn't find the right words to express how they felt.

I have to say they liked me… they would pull me back into this small circle everytime I think about pursuing a different career, to quit and to move on. I also liked being with them… in the several faces I've met and in the various ages I've dealt with, I found a friend, a sister, a brother, a son, a daughter, a mother, a father and everything in between. They were not just my students... they were also my family.

Being an ESL teacher was a job both easy and difficult. Easy when my students would prefer to talk about life and other stuff when they found sticking to the lessons too boring or confusing. Easy when they just want to go shopping or watch a movie. Easy when just cancel class and still offer to pay the study fee. Easy when the moms are out and I'd play with the kids (I know it was being irresponsible of me, but I knew that children needed to have some time off the pressure of studying under their parents' watchful eyes. And they loved me for knowing when the pressure is too much to bear.) Easy when I'd cancel class everytime I had important things to do, felt lazy or felt sick and not hear them complain; they would always gladly accept me back even after days of being missing in action.

But there were tough times as well. It was sometimes difficult dealing with my students, especially the very young ones. They had/have a very limited attention span, they acted like brats, they would scream and kick whenever they wanted to. They would beg for presents not only on special occasions but every single day (therefore, burning a hole in my pocket). And they'd never forget a promise. They’d bug me endlessly until I had no choice but to do something I never intended to do in the first place. (Lesson: Never lie to children, and never keep promises you can't keep; they have the sharpest memory.)

It was difficult when parents would think I had the magical ability to transform their kids into brilliant students and when they would ignore the fact that the teacher factor in the total academic performance of their children, though significant, was not everything. 

It was also a very fulfilling job. Especially when I could see improvements… when finally my students could get away from using sign language or drawings to tell me something. When they could successfully purchase a meal in a fastfood chain using words and not just point, nod or shake their heads. When they could tell me about their favorite movie’s summary and I could actually understand what they meant. :) when they would come home from school and would tell me that they got a perfect score, got applauded by their teacher during a speech or report. When they could say thank you for all the efforts I had exerted. 

But it was also sad when some of them had to go back to Korea, knowing that they were not coming back. It felt like they took a piece of my heart with them. I would cry. But then again, life had to go on. 

Life as an English tutor had been fun, exciting and well-paying, but I had to make a decision… to expand my horizon and step into my courage zone.

I have to see what the world has in store for me because I know that life has a lot more to offer.

Even though I am still filled with fear, I am constantly reminded that I am made for greater things.